Smart Parrot
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home.
She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as
much work as a dog and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.
The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird.
She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The petshop owner sold
her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her
living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around
the room, then at her and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's
not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned
from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said,
"New house, new madam, new whores. "The girls and the woman were a bit
offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.
A couple hours later, the woman's husband, came home from work. The bird
looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores...same old faces.
Hi Ray."
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HIKING TRIP
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together,
and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend
says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't
we split up today. I'll hike in the north and spend the day looking
around, and you spend the day hiking in the south. Then tonight, we'll
have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked
into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate
lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and
dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers
were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead.
How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman
tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks,
and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when
I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than
mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
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A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders.
But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the
problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with
a huge hand painted sign which said RADAR TRAP AHEAD. A little more
investigative work led the officer to the boys accomplice, another
boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading TIPS
and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
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A guy calls home from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I just figured was her husband."
Now he guy is angry. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh... is this 832-4821?"
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A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and
bleeding so the bartender says "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and called her a
two-bit whore." "Yeah," says the bartender "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters" he replied.
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The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a
ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight
guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn
and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using
the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers..
like a telephone... on his open hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek
and begins talking.
Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very
tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You
don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my
hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says
"Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the
bartender.The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.
"That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife,
you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs
him to the men's room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into
the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up
against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet
paper up his arse.
"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."
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A WALK ON THE MOON
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon,
he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic
between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before
he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good
luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in
either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many
people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky"
statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old
question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had
finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his
neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he
leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral
sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
True story.
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A middle aged rancher in pioneer days of old, had growen tired of working so hard
to build a beautiful ranch house and huge herd to go with it. So he thought it
would be nice to get one of those mail order brides. Well he sent for one and
on the day she was arriving he hitched up his horse and buggy and headed for the
nearest train station. After meeting his new bride, he loaded all her bags into
the wagon and then headed for thier honeymoon home. They had traveled only two
miles when the horse stumbled, and the rancher got out and whipped the horse to
its feet. He looked at the horse and said "THATS ONE" and got back in the wagon
smiled at the woman and continued on thier way. They traveled only another two
miles when the horse stumbled again, and again the rancher got out of the wagon
to whip the horse to its feet, telling the horse "THATS TWO". He took his seat
beside his new bride and continued on thier way. After traveling another two
miles the horse stumbled for the third time. The rancher got out of the wagon
carrying his rifle, he walk up to the horse and shot it right between the eyes,
saying"THATS THREE". He turn to the wagon only to hear his new bride say "why
in the hell did you do that for, now we have to walk". The rancher turn to the
woman and said "THATS ONE".
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Liver and cheese
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A Mexican, a black, and a white guy are in a bar having a drink when a
good-looking girl comes up to them and says '' whoever can say liver and
cheese in a sentence can have me''.
So the white guy says'' I love liver and cheese''. she says ''that's
not good enough''.
The black says ''I hate liver and cheese'', and she says ''that's not
creative'', and then the Mexican says ''liver alone cheese mine''.
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The State of Florida had a problem. The drug bust over the years had filled
their storage areas with Marijuana. It was decided the only option was to
burn all of the Marijuana on hand.
The eventful day a huge mound of Marijuana was torched. The fire raged and the
smoke of the weed raised in a large cloud. At this time a flock of Tern's flew
through this cloud.
A group of forest rangers (aka Their environmental watch dogs) were sent out
to assure the well-being of the Terns . They followed this flock until they
finally landed. The rangers sneaking upon the terns were able to observe and
issue a report that read: Not a Tern was left unstoned.
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In a Texas bar,The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from the
regulars.So to put an end to all the boasting Fred says to them "whip 'em
out".Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar,at the same time a gay guy
walks into the bar.Fred ask the man if there is something that he can get for
him.The gay guy replies "i was going to get a beer,but i'll check your buffett
first"
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A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tiredafter a long
day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the
paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeousblonde sitting in the
lobby.He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby.After
a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm."Fancy meeting my wife
here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'llneed a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount tobe over
$3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I'veonly been
here one night!""Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for
threeweeks."
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