Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea
parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be
around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list for 1999. . .
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like
to have nylon and velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to
my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring
anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and
me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag
of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted
with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several
packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society,
I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you
can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Dear Santa, (Ver 2)
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in
her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made
about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues
concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT
deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with
Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette,
evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style.
I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at
great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was
my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change
in my career.
Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out
Of Work Actor Ken"?
In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered
such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken",
These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new
markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me
away," I need bendable knees so I can kick her to the curb. Bendable
knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked
about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to
the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and
And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's
what he said last night.