Work Jokes Archive

The Perfect Worker
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to execute management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.


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Enrol now for the B Semester
SELF IMPROVEMENT

1100 Creative Suffering
1101 Overcoming Peace of Mind
1102 You & Your Birthmark
1103 Guilt Without Sex
1104 The Primal Shrug
1105 Ego Gratification Through Violence
1106 Moulding Your Child's Behaviour
Through Fear
1107 Dealing With Post-Realisation
Depression
1108 Whine Your Way to Alienation
1109 How to Overcome Self-Doubt
Through Pretence & Ostentation
1110 Body Language for Epileptics
1111 Catholics Women's Guide to
Orgasm


>BUSINESS & CAREER

0001 I Made $100 in Real Estate
0002 Money Can Make You Rich
0003 Packaging & Selling Your Child
0004 Career Opportunities In El Salvador
0005 How to Profit from Your Own Body
0006 The Under-Achievers Guide to
Very Small Business
0007 Tax Shelters for the Indigent
0008 Looter's Guide to European Cities
0009 How to Land a Job in Algeria
0010 1001 Methods of Blackmail


HOME ECONOMICS

401 Cultivating Viruses in Your Refrigerator
402 Burglar-Proof Your Home with Concrete
403 Sinus Drainage at Home
404 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
405 Teach Your Goldfish Buddhism
406 Christianity and the art of TV Maintenance
407 How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy


HEALTH & FITNESS

1202 Creative Tooth Decay
1203 Exercise & Acne
1204 The Joys of Hypochondria
1205 High Fibre Sex
1206 Suicide & Your Health
1207 Skate Your Way to Regularity
1208 Biofeed & How to Stop
1209 Understanding Nudity
1210 Tap Dance Your Way to Ridicule
1211 Optional Body Functions
1212 Leprosy & Pole Vaulting- How
to Avoid it
1213 Elective Surgery in the Home
1214 Over 26 - How to Tell an
Orgasm from a Heart Attack


CRAFTS

1011 Self Actualisation Through
Macrame
1012 How to Draw Genitalia
1013 Weaving With Body Hair
1014 Cancelled
1015 Gifts for the Senile
1016 Bonsai Your Pet
1017 Rearranging Your Hate
1018 Masochism for the Over 40's
1019 Post-Coital Rug Making
1020 Creative Nail Clipping
Arrangements

RELIGION

6660 Ritual Cookie Sacrifices
6661 Moonie Burial Rites
6662 Just Say Noah
6663 Matzoth Baking Without Perforations
6664 Advanced Hell Fire Fighting
6665 Rap & Heavy Metal Hymns
6667 Condensed Bible Study
6668 Satan and Satin
6669 ---Over Subscribed ---



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21 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job ...
1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
3. "I was working smarter-not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."
15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
17. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
20. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
21. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

QUOTE: "Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out
well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it
turns out."



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Top Ten Signs You're Suffering Semester Burnout
10. You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell."

9. Mom calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get
off my back, bitch!"

8. When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing the Cookie
Monster song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..."

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep
because you just don't care.

6. You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your dormitory
when the nightly fire alarm goes off.

4. You sleep more in class than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your bookbag.

2. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right
now!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Best Reasons for not coming to work

- If it is all the same to you I won't be coming to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.

- When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source
exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my
dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late,
or early.

- My stigma's acting up.

- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?

- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile loprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...

- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Wal-Mart.

- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with AT&T, but thank you for calling.

- Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come in to work knowing my employee records may now contain false
information.

- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

- I prefer to remain an enigma.

- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her
eternal peace. One day should do it.

- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

- My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with
our sick son.

- I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a
commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

- I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You sure I should come
in?

- I can't come in because the deadline is Monday and so far I only have
seven different fun things to do with a barrel of snot.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feeling Stressed Out?

Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're
holding under the water.
Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick
breath... then ploop!...back under they go...
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now... feeling better?


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HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
3. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially
effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
4. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
names; e.g., "Good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to
disagree with you there, Zatrochious."
5. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.
For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be at the water fountain."
6. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes
since you did this.
7. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
8. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people
you're waiting for your document.
9. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time
for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During
the meeting eat several entire raw potatoes.
10. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
11. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want
fries with that.
12. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate
about an organizational policy issue. Forward the mail to a co-worker and
ask him or her to settle the disagreement.
13. Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
14. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.
15. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
16. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
17. Decorate your office with photos of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge.
Say they're your children.
18. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in
the big office fish tank...see how many you can catch in your mouth.
19. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the
lunchroom, when people complain that there was none...Just lean back,
pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
20. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

30 WAYS TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice).
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially
effective if your boss is a different gender than you are).
3. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.
For example; "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the loo".
4. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes
since you did this.
5. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
6. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want
fries with that.
8. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN".
9. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many".
10. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
11. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, A3 paper, 99
copies.
12. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
13. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while,
talking to others.
14. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield
wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep'em tuned up".
15. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
16. Practice making fax and modem noises.
17. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
18. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
19. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your
ears and grimacing.
20. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
21. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
22. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
23. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
23a. type only in lowercase.
23b. dont use any punctuation either
24. Repeat the following conversation a few times:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in the carpark at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars
to see if they slow down.
30. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their
answers in a notebook.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GREAT JOB OPPORTUNITY Available immediately.
>
>Thirty Nine positions at Higher Source, a web site development and
>production
>house. Our business has really taken off like a comet and we now have
>quite a
>few positions to fill.
>
>The individuals at the core of our group have worked closely together
>for over
>20 years. During those years, each of us has developed a high degree of
>skill
>and know-how through personal discipline and concerted effort.
>
>We try to stay positive in every circumstance and put the good of a
>project
>above any personal concerns or artistic egos. By sustaining this
>attitude and
>conduct, we have achieved a high level of efficiency and quality in our
>work.
>This crew-minded effort, combined with ingenuity and creativity, have
>helped us
>provide advanced solutions at highly competitive rates.
>
>Based in Rancho Santa Fe, California (near San Diego), we provide
>excellent
>opportunity for advancement to a higher place. In fact all of our
>employees
>have recently been promoted.
>
> We provide free clothing, Nike tennis shoes, pudding, apple sauce and
>vodka.
>You must supply your own Phenobarbital. Every employee is issued a
>large
>purple cloth, the purpose of which will become clear. Free haircuts
>too.
>
> No experience is necessary. We will train you to work and think within
>our
>business model.
>
> ID is required. Abduction experiences a plus.
>
> We are looking for real team players.
>
> Please send resumes to bunchowackos@highersource.com.
>
>Are you interested ?

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