Old Archive 1

Rude And Sick Jokes


Q: What do women and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both squirm when you eat them.

Q: Whats 69 and 69?
A: Dinner for four.

Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear?
A: Because their peckers are on their faces.

Q: Whats worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Being fingered by Captain Hook.

Q: Whats worse than lobsters on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.

Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool?
She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw
her go down for the third time.

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.

Q: Why have lepers got soft heads?
A: So their friends can dip their chips in.

Did you hear about the Leper Card game?
One threw his hand in, one laughed his head off and one cried his eyes out.

Q: Whats the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?
A: About 4 inches.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A:When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: Whats the difference between Like and Love?
A: Spit and Swallow.

Q: How does a women hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: Whats the difference between men and jelly beans?
A: Jelly beans come in difference colours.

Q: What do Rubiks cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!

Q: Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.

Q: How can you tell a macho women?
A: She rolls her own tampons.

Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs - only ones coming and ones going.

Q: How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you?
A: There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary.

Q: How do you recycle a used tampon?
A: As a tea-bag for vampires.

Q: What do you get if you cross Bananarama with a Vibrator?
A: Wet, Wet, Wet

Q: Whats 12 inchs long and stiff in the morning?
A: Cot-death.

How do you get four poofs on a barstool?
Turn it upside down

What do elephants use as tampons?

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job

Did you hear about the poof who got fired from the Sperm Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job

What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes

What's better than a rose on your piano?
Two lips on your organ

What is the definition of pure agony ?
F**king a meat mincer!

What's a 68?
You do me, and I'll owe you one!

Why does Nancy Reagan always climb on top?
Because Ronnie can only f*ck up

Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss

How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
Look for dandruff on her shoes

What's the height of confusion?
Fathers Day in Brixton

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When your wanking hand falls asleep

What is organic dental floss?
Pubic hair

What are the three greatest lies?
a)the cheque is in the post
b)small is beatiful
c)I won't come in your mouth

Q :How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid ?
A :When you open her legs the lights go on

Q :Why did the pervert cross the road?
A :Because he got his n*b stuck in the chicken?

Q :Why did God give women legs?
A :Well, think of the mess a snail makes!

Q: Whats the best thing about having sex with a 10 year old?
A: You can pretend shes 5.

Q: Whats the best thing about having sex with a 5 yr old?
A: When you hear her pelvis break.

Q: Whats the worst thing about having sex with a 5 yr old?
A: When she says shes had better.


King Arthur was to set off on yet another journey of quest and
conquest etc but he had the problem of what to do with his randy wife
Mrs Arthur. (Ok, not original but it`ll do)
He summoned Merlin and explained the problem. Merlin said he had just
the thing. (Fnar Fnar!)
"I have just the thing" said Merlin
Merlin produced from a box of tricks a large latex vibrator and said to
King Arthur that this magic dick would be just the thing. Mrs A could command it
quit simply and it would never fail to satisfy. All she had to do was utter the
comand magic `penis my cunt' and it would satisfy her every need until she gave
the comand `majic peis stop'.
Arthur demonstrated this to his randy wife that afternoon and it was
fine. Arthur left on his crusade the very next morning secure in the knowledge
that his wife would stay faithfull.
Back at the castle Mrs A was feeling a little horny. She decided the
magic penis would be just the thing (fnar fnar!) and retired to her chamber
for a monster diddle.
All went well and rgasmafter orgasm passed for what must have been
hours. By this time Mrs A was just a trifle hungry and fancied quick nibble.
Unfortunately thru all that passion she had forgotten the command to call off
the magic penis and try as she might she couldn`t get it right.
In sheer desparation she prised it from her but still it would not stop
and tried desterately to re-insert itself.
Mrs A ran, down the stairs, through the hall and out of the castle gate
persued by the crased vibro. As she passed the gate a gaurd shouted to her why
she was in such a rush.
"Im being chased by a magic penis" she replied
"Magic penis my arse..." said the gaurd "uuuuugh !"


A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked
there's a knock at the door.
The nun calls: "Who is it?"
a voice answers: "A blind man".

The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in
the room while she's naked so she lets him in.
The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says:

"Corrrrrrrrrrrr, and can I sell you a blind dearie...?"


Two storks on a nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and
crying, and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your
mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them
happy." The next night, it's fathers turn to do the job. "Son, your father
will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies
and daddies." A few days later. The stork parents are desperate: their son
is gone from the nest all night! Finally, short before dawn, he returns and
the parents ask their son where he had been all night. Sais the baby stork:
"Aww, just scaring the sh*t out of college kids!"


Q. What do you call a whore with her own transport?
A. Feels on Wheels !


A man walks into a jewlers, unzips his trousers, and places his tool
upon the counter.
The lady serving says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a clock shop, not a
cock shop."
"Well, put two hands on this," replies the man.


Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blowjob.
Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your
eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.


Entry in young woman's diary :

Monday : Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get
too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away.
My legs are still my best friends.
Tuesday : Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get
too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away.
My legs are still my best friends.
Wednesday: Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and
he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away.
Even the best of friends must part!


Q: Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A: The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.

Q: What's the difference between a woman(man) and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.

Q: What's got four legs and one arm ?
A: A Rotwieller.


Her father was very angry when he heard
that his twenty-year old daughter had
hitch-hiked, all alone, all the way from
San Francisco to Washington.
-"For Gods sake !", he screamed,"someone
could have attacked you and raped you!!!"
-"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she
said, trying to calm him down,"As soon as
someone gave me a ride, I said I was going
to Washington, because that's where they
have the best treatment for sexually
transmitted diseases."


One day a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel,dragging a dead frog
behind him.
The Madam asks "Can I help you son?"
He replys "Yes I'd like a girl for the night."
She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls."

So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200 (actually 200 pounds but the
key doesn't work).

To which she says "She'll be waiting for you up stairs."
The boy says "But shes got to have active Herpies."
The Madam replys "But all my girls are clean!"

So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200.

The Madam says "OK,she'll be ready for you in about 10 mins".

So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. 1/2 an hour later he comes
down the stairs,with a big grin on his face,still dragging the dead frog.

By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come
in here,dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with active herpies?".

"Well,it's like this",he says "When I get home tonight I f*ck the baby-sitter
and she'll get it. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and
on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it. Later when dad gets
home mum and dad will make love and she'll get it. And at about 9.30
tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work,the milkman will come round,
f*ck my mother and he'll get it."



What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?.
Fucks funny!.

Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?
He got 16 months

Q what do you call grit in a condom
A An organ grinder!.

Q Whats green and eats nuts
A Herpes!.

Why did the condom fly across the room?
Because it got pissed off.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!


Vicar: What's that you're doing, Tommy?

Tommy: Sticking bangers up frog's arses, Vicar

Vicar: Rectum, Tommy

Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!


A kid goes up to his father. "Dad, what's the difference between
"essence" and "reality"? The father thinks for a moment. "Son, you go up
to both your mother and sister and ask them if they would sleep with a
total stranger for a million dollars."

The kid leaves the room and comes back a few minutes later.

"They both said yes" he tells his father.

"I will now explain to you the difference between "essence" and "reality"
" says the father. "In essence, we are sitting on two million dollars,
but in reality you have two whores for a mother and sister."


Q: Daddy, how come I get so many gifts to my birthday?
A: Because you have cancer, son.


On the first evening of their honeymoon they are sitting on the balcony
of the hotel while the sun is setting.
"Honey", she says,"now that we're married, will you tell me
what a penis is ?"
He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask.
So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off.
"*This*, my love, is a penis." he told her.
"Oh", she exclaimed, "it's like a d*ck, but much smaller."


"I know a Girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear,
goes to bed early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time."
"Hey, that's great."
"Yes, I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll be five years old."


John McCarthy gets home after being released by the towel-head
kidnappers. He gets together with the lovely Jill who has been
waiting for him all this time, and they prepare for their first bonk
for 5 years.
"John, I know this might be difficult for you after all this time, so
if there's anything special you want me to do, go fast or slow or
anything, just say and I'll do it."
"Well there are two things..."
"Yes, tell me what you want, it'll be OK."
"First, I want to take you from behind... doggy style... up the arse."
She pales slightly, swallows and says:
"Well, OK then, we can do that if that's what you want. What's the
second thing?"
"And can I call you Terry?"


The waitress wants to deposit 10 dollars on
her bank-account.
"I'm sorry ma'm", the cashier says,"but I'm
afraid this bank-note is false."
"Auh!", she yells, "that means I was raped."


Q. What does american beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in
A. They are both fucking close to water!


Once upon a time 7 dwarves were knocking on a nun monasterys gates and
demanding entrance. Soon afterwards they were let inside and led to
monastery's leader. She was a tough nun and asked the dwarfs:
-Well, what do you want?
So Shy asked shyly:
-Do you have a nun less than a meter tall?
The nun pondered the question for a while and replied negatively. After
the 7 dwarves had heard the answer they bursted into laughter and started
-Shy has fucked a penquin! Shy has fucked a penquin!


Q: What is the similarity between British Telecom and Elton John?
A: They have both been fucked by Mercury.


There are three people in a pub. Two of them do talk together. They
seem to be brooding. So they ask each other why they are brooding.
The first one says : "Well, I think it's because I fuck (I
translate as best as possible !) only once every month"...
Then the second one replies : "Oh, that's true. In my case it's only
once every other month".
Then both look at the third guy, who seems to be very cheerful. They
are puzzled, so they ask him how often he has a screw.
"Once every six monthes" says the fellow.
"Then", ask the first, "why are you so happy ?"
And the third replies "Because it's tonight !!!"


Carl and Vera was out walking by the side of a lake. They watched a windsurfer
having a good time, when suddenly the surfer fell in the water.
They both watched the surfer go up and down while he was crying out for help.
When he sank for the final time Vera ordered Carl to dive for the man.
After some discussion Carl gave up and dived to the bottom of the lake,
pulled the man up on the lakeside.
Vera looked at the guy and found out that he wasn't breathing. This time Vera
ordered Carl to give mouth to mouth. Carl knew what he had to do and started
up. After the first blow of air in the drowned guys mouth he suddenly pulled
his head back while shouting out : "Oh my God, this guy smells horrible".

Vera first looked at Carl then at the drowned guy and replied :
"Carl - I'm sorry to say - I don't think this is the right guy, this one
wear skates !!!!!!"


A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane. All of a
sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes out his handkerchief, opens
his zipper, takes out his Willy and after having carefully wiped it,
puts it back in and closes the zipper.

The Woman is shocked - but she thinks it wiser not to say anything and tries
not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man.

Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And the same routine:
Zipper open, Willy out, Wiping, Willy in and Zipper close. That nearly makes
the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing.

After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask:

"Excuse me, Sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each
time you have taken out your penis and wiped it. May I inquire why?"

"Oh - you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze I get an orgasm."

"But that's awfull! What do you take for it?"

"Pepper." Answers the man.


Old farmer Johnson was dying.
The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he sad to his wife:
"When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones".
Wife: No, I can't marry anyone after You.
Johnson:But I want you to.
Wife: But why?
Johnson: Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!

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