1. Satan worshipping residents of Auckland are spared
unnecessary anguish and discomfort when they die because the
transition to hell is hardly noticeable.
2. Auckland has fewer syllables than Wellington so that
Aucklanders can spell it.
3. People who can't get in to Wellington have to have somewhere
4. Economies of scale dictate that it is economically optimal
for all pretentious posers with annoying inflections and stupid
haircuts to be in the same place.
5. Auckland has such a wide variety of social, economic and
cultural groupings that you can fit in no matter what kind of dork
6. Aucklanders do lots of quaint self affirming things like
calling their league team the "Warriors" and giving their otherwise
staid lives a hint of danger by referring to Mt Eden, Mt
Wellington, and Rangitoto as "volcanoes" even though they have been
extinct for 3 million years.
7. Auckland's town planners thoughtfully laid out Auckland over
a large area so that when you are in Auckland the statistical
chances of running into an Aucklander are as low as possible.
8. Believing that City Life is a quality New Zealand drama and
that Shortland Street is a showcase for up and coming New Zealand
talent doesn't seem so ridiculous when everyone else thinks so too.
9. The Auckland Rugby Union names it Super 12 team after a
colour just in case they had any deaf supporters.
10. Auckland is the nation's Prozac. People who don't live in
Auckland use that fact to ward off depression.
11. Auckland is vital to New Zealand's defence against alien
invasion. Invading space monsters will go straight to our largest
urban centre thinking it is actually important in some way. While
the aliens waste their time assaulting our decoy the rest of us
will have time to organise a counter strike. This aspect of
Auckland has taken on added significance since the discovery of
life on Mars.
12. People form Kaitaia need somewhere to go for petrol on their
way to Wellington.
13. Aucklanders have recovered from their feelings of phallic
inadequacy by erecting a 40 storey pole with a knob on top in the
middle of the city.
14. Auckland fulfils an important role in Maori mythology.
Maori legend has it that the North Island is the fish of Maui.
Wellington is the head and mouth of Maui's fish, New Plymouth and
Gisborne are its fins and Auckland is its arsehole.