(you might have to be an Aucklander for this one....)
WAITAKERE CITY - OLYMPICS 2004
In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the
organisers of Waitakere City's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and
schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
city (preferably from the New Lynn area), wearing the traditional balaclava.
The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof
of the stadium.
In previous Olympic games, Waitakere's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT.
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES.
As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens,
fences, walls etc.).
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer (claw, sledge etc)
The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm
to members of the public within the time allowed.
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
jewellery as possible in 5 mins.
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securitas
style wages delivery man.
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Lion Red
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS.
Competitors will be asked to break into the Kelston Boy's bike shed
and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the
country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian
rugby team, who will witness the theft.
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with
sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.
Competitors will be thrown off a bridge over the Whau Creek. The first
three survivors back will decide the medals.
MENS 50KM WALK.
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee
the safety of anyone walking the streets of Waitakere City.
Will now be held in an abandoned meat works, and will include carcass
vaulting and swinging from meat hooks.
All competitors will be graded on their ability to sway drunkenly to Metallica
Involves four competitors removing an appliance of their choice from a house
in New Lynn and getting back to Henderson using at least four stolen cars.
The rules will now specify that competitors must be topless and jelly will be involved.
Requires contestants to line up with steel baseball bats. The medal will be
awarded to the last man standing.
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a Holden and
throw it to his mate the fastest.
The 500 metre skull will be changed to the 500 litre skull and promises to
be the most hotly contested event. Many, many, many athletes are currently in training.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY.
Entertainment will include formation rave-dancing by the members of the
Titirangi Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
rock throwing and music by the Henderson Community Choir. The Olympic
flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine
onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into
it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.