>"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
>trying to retrieve the gerbil, "Eric Tomszewski told bemused doctors in
>Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital."
>Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner, Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been
>admitted for emergency treatment after a fetching session had gone
>I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil,
in, >"he explained." As usual, Kiki shouted out, "Armageddon", my cue that
he'd >had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot, but he wouldn't come out
again, so >I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the
light would >attract him.
>At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
>next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
>of the tube, igniting Mr. Tomasewski's hair and severely burning his face.
>It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers, which in turn ignited a
>larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
>like a cannonball."
>Tomasewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact
>of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his
>anus and lower intestinal tract.
>O.K., here's the Top Ten things that scared me the most in reading this
>10 - "I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch !!!
>9 - "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhh. I'm sorry, but
that's >like looking through a telescope into Hell. I'd rather use
binoculars to >stare at the Sun.
>8 - That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from Low self-esteem) being
>shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on the Rocky and
>7 - Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil launched out of someone's anus.
>I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh,
>after his little journey into Kiki's "Tunnel of Love."
>6 - People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their
>5 - People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
>when taken to the Emergency Room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up
>a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into
>my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter, before I admitted the
>truth. Call me Old Fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at the
>doctor and saying, "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil
>named Raggot, and we took this cardboard tube . . ."
>4 - "First and Second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the
>burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one
>take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning
>anus must be on the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's
>3 - People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic
>white men who insert rodents up their butts."
>2 - What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
>1 - This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
>anyway? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.