40 ways to lose your lover.

1. Acquire a jellymeat sandwich habit.
2. Try to beat the worls record for non-stop sneezing.
3. Watch movies about maladjusted couples who put each other through hell,
and keep pointing to the screen , saying "That's just like us! We do that!"
4. When introducing your partner to other people, refer to them as your
"squeeze", your "ball and chain" or your "stinky, stupid enemy".
5. Only ever talk to them about how great their mother is.
6. When you talk try to look past them
7. Bite
8. Tell them what you really think of them.
9. Eat raw garlic.
10. Make pig squels your "lanuage of love"
11. Fake incontinence
12. Keep a photo of your ex by the bed.
13. Buy a drum kit. Omly ever get inspired at 4am
14. Whenever they start talking about themselves, say "yeah what ever".
15. Give them a stupid name like "Floopsy" or "Pumpkie", and only ever
address them by it.
16. Never let them see your feet. They'll eventually become obsessed and
you can dump them for being 'weird'.
17. Keep a dossier on each of their friends. Refer to it whenever them
visit them.
18. insist on living like a rat for a year as "part of my psychology
experiment". Even if you are not studying psychology.
19. Move to another country because 'abscence makes the heart grow fonder'.
20. Hold their hand whenever you're out in public. Don't let go.
21. Always make them walk two (2) paces behind you.
22. Pretend to be an authority on every single topic of conversation.
23. Make the realtionship inot a competition.
24. Get involved in all their work place squabbles.
25. Pay them a 'suprise' visit. Hide in their bedroom closet and when they
come home, jump out screaming.
26. Have 'cliff-hanger' arguments, where you mysteriously dissappear
halfway through and reappear at the same time a week later.
27. Go on a 'humour-strike' for charity. Never laugh and bring up
depressing topics whenever the mood starts picking up.
28. Talk under your breath and scowl.
29. Point out how attractive you find their friends.
30. Practice conceptual art by smashing all their stuff and gluing it back
together in novel ways.
31. Neglect to discuss your policy on "open relatonships" until they catch
you opening up.
32. Get your anme tattooed on their arm without telling them.
33. Never forgive, never forget.
34. Try to use the TV remote to turn them off when they get on your nerves.
35. Make the 'Birdie dance' your special song
36. Build a sandpit next to the bed.
37 . Suggest counsellign might help. When they agree to go along, say "Hey
not for me Buddy - You're the one with the problem".
38. Split up with them as soon as possible, b/c they just wanna love ya and
leave ya and tear out ya heart.
39. Run with scissors.
40. Make inverted comma signals in the air whenever you're talking about
their so-called "life".

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