If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your naked body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Don't sweat petty things - or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can't buy love. But it can rent a very close imitation.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but I kept losing my brain.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Used only once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand