Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by
the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that
it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America
for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said
Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive
arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press
that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a
wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned
for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve
Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly
and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft,
and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting
directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of
executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a
relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that
U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence".
Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he
has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond
as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the
U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went
on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished.
"Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United
States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government
services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company
offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and
personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more
enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal
computing and free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation
in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and
opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the
United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered trademarks of
Microsoft Corporation.
