Relationships

  • 1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
    2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and
    tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
    OR:
    I want to call your mother and thank her.
    3. Is your daddy a thi
  • 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
    3. You know stuff about tanks.
    4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    5. Monday Nite Football.
    6. You don't have to monitor your friend's
  • There was this feller who had three girlfriends and he was
    thinking
    about settling down and starting a family with one of 'em, but he
    was
    unsure as to which one he should pick.
    So whilse he thought about it he gave them each $500 and t
  • 1. Acquire a jellymeat sandwich habit.
    2. Try to beat the worls record for non-stop sneezing.
    3. Watch movies about maladjusted couples who put each other through hell,
    and keep pointing to the screen , saying "That's just like us! We do that
  • HIS
    1. Pull up to ATM
    2. Insert card
    3. Enter PIN number and account
    4. Take cash, card and receipt

    HER
    1. Pull up to ATM
    2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
    3. Shut off engine
    4. Put keys in purse
    5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from
  • copyright 1894 The Madison Institute.
    ===================================================
    The following is a reprint from The Madison Institute Newsletter,
    Fall Issue, 1894:

    INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE
  • >One day a cynical husband asked why his wife was so bright and
    >cheerful.
    >"I saw my doctor today and he said I had firm breasts like an 18 yr
    >old" "Yes," said the husband,
    >"but what did he say abo
  • Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.
    One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"
    "Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the
    garden and pick some roses.
  • Once Upon A Time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a p
  • Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0
    (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he
    upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hog. It has taken all
    his space and Wife1.0 must be running
    before he can do anything.
  • Man: "Haven't we met before?"
    Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

    Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
    Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

    Man: "Is this seat empty?"
    Woman: "Yes, a
  • Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans,
    fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize,
    bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console,
    purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond
  • THE QUALIFIED staff at the Grunwald Clinic are trained in all aspects of
    male problems. We can offer consultations on the following:

    Talking loudly in restaurants. Breaking into sudden inarticulate chants
    on trains. Making `you`re a wanker' g
  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
    That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. --David
    Bissonette

    I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
    --Noel Coward, 1956

    When a
  • What do you call a man with half a brain?
    Gifted.
    What's the difference between government bonds and men?
    Bonds Mature.
    What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
    One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
    What did Go
  • Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold
    your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex
    kitten and you tell her so;
    you're so sweet and adorable, and blow jobs follow ambient dinners
    like a fine port.
  • In Response to the popular "women's 50 Rules for Men",
    here are the "Men's rules for Women".

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
    2. Don't cut your hair, ever.
    3. Don't make us guess.
  • > She is not: A BAD COOK
    > She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
    >
    > She does not: GET PMS
    > She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
    >
    > She does not: HAVE A KILLER BODY
    >
  • Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    A. Through his chest with a sharp knife

    Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
    A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
    (AB: You can't argue with that
  • Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Know this,
    and you will have come far in understanding them and enriching your own
    life.
    1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
    ar
  • *One day, God calls on Adam & says, "Adam, I have some good news and
    bad news. The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. Bad
    news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one at a time"

    *How do you make your wife scre
  • We need = I want
    It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
    Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
    We need to talk = I need to complain
    Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
    I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you
  • "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
    "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
    "I'm tired" = I'm tired
    "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
    "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventua
  • 8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
    8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
    8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
    9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
    10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny p
  • Dogs don't cry.

    Dogs love it when your friends come over.

    Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

    Dogs think you sing great.

    A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

    Dogs don't expect you to call when you are r
  • We know stuff about tanks
    A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
    We can open all our own jars
    We can go to the bathroom without a support group
    We can leave a motel bed unmade
    We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
    Wedding
  • It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

    Women look good in sweaters.

    Women leave the room to fart.
  • What does W-I-F-E stand for ?
    Washing, Ironing, Food and Entertainment.

    Why do women wear white at their wedding ? So they will match
    the
    kitchen appliances.

    Why do women have small feet ?
    So they can stand closer to the sink.
  • A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning
    service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down
    to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the
    life of him, he couldn't think of the
  • "Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and
    found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for
    other applications.

    He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes
    which are

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