1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and
tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
I want to call your mother and thank her.
3. Is your daddy a thi
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friend's
There was this feller who had three girlfriends and he was
about settling down and starting a family with one of 'em, but he
unsure as to which one he should pick.
So whilse he thought about it he gave them each $500 and t
1. Acquire a jellymeat sandwich habit.
2. Try to beat the worls record for non-stop sneezing.
3. Watch movies about maladjusted couples who put each other through hell,
and keep pointing to the screen , saying "That's just like us! We do that
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from
copyright 1894 The Madison Institute.
The following is a reprint from The Madison Institute Newsletter,
Fall Issue, 1894:
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE
>One day a cynical husband asked why his wife was so bright and
>"I saw my doctor today and he said I had firm breasts like an 18 yr
>old" "Yes," said the husband,
>"but what did he say abo
Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.
One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"
"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the
garden and pick some roses.
Once Upon A Time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a p
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0
(marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he
upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hog. It has taken all
his space and Wife1.0 must be running
before he can do anything.
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, a
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans,
fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize,
bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console,
purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond
THE QUALIFIED staff at the Grunwald Clinic are trained in all aspects of
male problems. We can offer consultations on the following:
Talking loudly in restaurants. Breaking into sudden inarticulate chants
on trains. Making `you`re a wanker' g
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. --David
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
--Noel Coward, 1956
What do you call a man with half a brain?
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did Go
Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold
your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex
kitten and you tell her so;
you're so sweet and adorable, and blow jobs follow ambient dinners
like a fine port.
In Response to the popular "women's 50 Rules for Men",
here are the "Men's rules for Women".
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair, ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
> She is not: A BAD COOK
> She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
> She does not: GET PMS
> She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
> She does not: HAVE A KILLER BODY
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
(AB: You can't argue with that
Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Know this,
and you will have come far in understanding them and enriching your own
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
*One day, God calls on Adam & says, "Adam, I have some good news and
bad news. The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. Bad
news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one at a time"
*How do you make your wife scre
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
"I'm tired" = I'm tired
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventua
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny p
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are r
We know stuff about tanks
A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
We can open all our own jars
We can go to the bathroom without a support group
We can leave a motel bed unmade
We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
Women leave the room to fart.
What does W-I-F-E stand for ?
Washing, Ironing, Food and Entertainment.
Why do women wear white at their wedding ? So they will match
Why do women have small feet ?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning
service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down
to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the
life of him, he couldn't think of the
"Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and
found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for
He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes