They can eat their bananas whole........
They can swing from tree branch to tree branch, ones climbed up the empire state building, ones even gone to space but the NZ warriors cant win a grand final>
[more]
Top Oxymorons
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42 Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alon
[more]
You think your English is bad
An Air France bulletin, dated December 1, 1989, printed some signs and
notices, written in English, that were collected from throughout the world.
You have to give the writers an "E" for effort. Hope you enjoy them!
* In a Tokyo Hotel
[more]
ACTUAL LETTER FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE SMITHSONIAN
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull.&qu
[more]
Killing Ants
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her
that the ants are not harmful and ther
[more]
Royal Navy Report
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
* I would not breed from this officer.
* He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satis
[more]
Legal Funnies
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the
following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during
trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
1. "Now doctor,
[more]
Life Lessons according to Melrose Place
1. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even
better
job at twice the salary.
2. Never sleep with your boss or co-worker. Just kidding. You should
do
both, often.
3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office
[more]
Military Efficiency
Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):
* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
* A room temperature IQ.
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing
[more]
Resumes
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in
the July 21, 1997 issue of 'Fortune Magazine':
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet
[more]
True
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and
ears never stop growing.
* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars.
He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be
dubbe
[more]
Hotel signs etc
These are signs in hotels and other public places in foreign countries
where they make the effort to write signs in English but their efforts
go astray.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.
A si
[more]
747 Rafting
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float
on the Tilliguamish River, they were quite sur
[more]
An assignment actually turned in by two English st
Rebecca <last name deleted> and Gary <last name deleted>
> English
> 44A
> Creative
> Writing
> Prof
> Miller
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
[more]
BEST HEADLINES OF 1998
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Vet
[more]
Court transcripts
Here are a couple of classic Court transcripts,
all recorded by the keepers of the word in various parts of the world...
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
[more]
DISORDER IN THE COURT
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."
They're things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What ge
[more]
Teen Arrested for Eating Peanut Butter Sandwich at
NEW YORK CITY - Seventeen year old Larry Reynolds was arrested in his
high school's cafeteria yesterday for eating a sandwich containing
peanut butter. The school which Reynolds attends had just banned the
potentially lethal substance after learni
[more]
PRISON VS FULL TIME JOB
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell
>At work you spend most of your time in a 6 x 8 room
>
>In prison you get 3 meals a day
>At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that
>one
[more]
Actual Newspaper Headlines
1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6.
[more]
